Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
