dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
