I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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