Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
