One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
