i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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