I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
