Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
i think my tv is drunk
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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