and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
