my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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