This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
