woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
