I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
