Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
