I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I can text with my tongue
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
