Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
