When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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