I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
