If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
