You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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