Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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