oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
