I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
