I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
