Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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