She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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