she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
