I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
