first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
