I'm lost and stupid without you.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Pants are for mortals
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
