just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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