Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Too much gin, very little bucket
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
