Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
