I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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