I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
