I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Randomize
