shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
