He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
whose parrot is this?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
