Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
