I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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