Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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