we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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