the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
