At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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