Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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