We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
