My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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