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I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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