A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
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