i may or may not be watching the land before time
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
