the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Woke up backwards on a recliner
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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