My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
