If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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