You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
