Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I believe in your delicious
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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