Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
