I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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